Preparing to get through the holiday season without your loved one
Grief hits hard during the holidays. The sights, smells, and sounds of joyous celebration can make you feel more isolated and alone than ever. When your grief feels like it’s swallowing you whole, the holiday season can seem particularly cruel. It can dredge up memories of happier times with your loved one, leaving you feeling even lonelier than before. You might find yourself questioning why you have to go through this again. It can also be a time when tensions may rise within your family because they don’t understand what you’re going through. Or they may not know how best to support you. If anything, the holidays are a time when those who love us most are often at a loss for how to support us. Perhaps this past year was so painful that it feels almost impossible to put on a happy face for celebrations.
How do you want to get through the holidays?
At the end of the day, you get to decide how you want to get through the holidays, no matter how painful they may be. If you’ve done the work in grief counseling and are more comfortable with your grief and are aware of what gets you through the holidays, you’re likely to feel a lot better. You’re also likely to reduce your stress on those around you, which can be a big relief for them. And if the holidays are especially difficult, you can always take some time off from the celebrations. or do something completely unconventional.
You don’t need to pretend everything is ok when it isn’t. You can take as much time as you need to get your mind and heart ready to face the festivities again. You are not obligated to participate in traditions or activities that don’t feel right to you. You don’t have to fit into anyone else’s expectations. You can choose how you want to get through the holidays and you can change your mind as often as you like.
Review Rituals and Holiday Traditions
If there were important family rituals or holiday traditions that your loved one participated in while they were alive, you may want to consider holding onto them. Rituals and traditions can be powerful helpers in the journey of grief. They can help us feel less alone and can provide us with a tangible way of connecting to our loved one who is no longer with us. If there were no particular rituals or traditions in your loved one’s life, or if you feel too overwhelmed by the prospect of keeping and maintaining them, it’s also possible to create new ones. Or put a pause on ones that are too painful to resume right now. Having new rituals or traditions can help mark the seasons and stages of grief for you and can also provide a way for you to mark the changes in your life since your loved one died.
Talk about your needs with your support network Or With A Grief Counselor
Your loved ones want to help you but they may not know how. So, it’s important to talk about what you need from them. Tell them you’d appreciate their help with things like running errands, providing a meal, or doing the majority of the grocery shopping. You might want to set some boundaries around your social calendar. You might want to limit your time with certain people to a couple of hours per week, or to just a single gathering.
If you’re not ready to talk about your loved one, let your loved ones know you appreciate their support but need some time to process. Let them know that you’ll be available when you’re ready. Remember, you are not responsible for their feelings, especially if they’re not respecting your boundaries. Let them know if there are certain words or topics they should avoid.
If you have a support network of family and friends, take some time in advance of the holidays to talk with them about your needs. Share what you’re feeling and what you need from them. Your ability to get through the holidays will be greatly enhanced if you don’t have to guess what your loved ones are thinking and feeling. For instance, if you aren’t in the mood to celebrate but your loved ones are, you don’t have to go out of your way to pretend that you’re excited about the parties and get-togethers. You can simply tell the people in your life what you’re feeling and that you’d rather not participate in the festivities. If you need some extra support having these conversations with family members a grief counselor can help.
Explore healthy boundaries for yourself and plan for them
Boundaries are the limits we set for ourselves based on what works for us. They help us to protect ourselves from being overwhelmed by the emotions of others or from taking on too much. They also let others know how and when they can support us. You may want to set boundaries for yourself with regards to how you’re spending your time, whom you’re spending it with, or what you’re allowing into your head and heart.
You may want to avoid the topics of conversation that make you feel uncomfortable, avoid certain places, or spend more time with only your very closest loved ones. You may want to set a boundary around how much help you want to take on, even if you appreciate the offers.
The bottom line is, grief is exhausting, and thinking about ways to include boundaries now will make them easier to implement when we are in the full swing of the holiday season.
Plan a few ways to actively care for yourself
The holidays can be a time of real intensity for the people who are grieving. And the pressures of the season can make things even harder. But perhaps it’s a good thing that the holidays are so intense. They can help us get through them. If you find that the holidays are more challenging for you compared to other times of the year, consider making a plan to actively care for yourself. One way of actively caring for yourself is to engage in activities that help you process your grief. You may want to journal, go for walks, write letters to your loved one, or do other activities that help you explore your emotions and get them out of your head and onto paper. The holidays can be a great time to do this, as they can be a time when emotions feel particularly raw.
Whatever it is, make sure it meets a few criteria:
It’s something you enjoy and that brings you a bit of joy.
You can do it for at least 10 minutes at a time even if you don’t feel like it.
It’s something that makes you feel more connected to yourself, however, you define that.
It’s something that makes you feel a little less overwhelmed by life.
If you don’t do it perfectly you are not too hard on yourself about it.
Honor your loved one during the holidays
There are lots of ways to do this. You don’t have to feel like you have to do everything a certain way because that’s how it’s always been done. You can choose to honor your loved one in a way that feels right and good for you. If someone asks how you want to remember your loved one, let them know. If someone wants to share stories about your loved one but you aren’t ready or you don’t want to hear them, let them know.
You don’t have to fake joy or excitement when you don’t feel it. You can be honest about how you’re feeling and still be respectful to those who love you. If there are traditions you want to keep but don’t feel like you have the energy for, let your loved ones know you appreciate the effort, but you need a break from them for this year.
It’s important not to ignore or compartmentalize your feelings for the sake of “getting through” the season for other people.
Ideas to honor your loved one during the holidays:
You could light a candle
put out a special picture or memento
go to a place that holds meaning for you and your loved one.
You may also want to consider doing something that helps others during the holidays. Volunteering is a great way to honor your loved one and connect with others at the same time.
If your person is buried at a gravesite, would you like to visit them, and if so, when? Block out time on your calendar to protect that time. If you’d like specific people(s) to go with you, ask them ahead of time for their support, but it’s okay to go alone too.
Consider an “empty chair” or “place setting” for your loved one(s). The place setting or chair can be in the other room if it’s too painful, but including your loved one in special gatherings that they would normally be at may help you feel closer to them.
Grief takes up a significant amount of physical and mental energy and not feeling up to things is completely acceptable. While some of the above may feel like too much for you right now, know that that is okay. You are in charge of how to structure this upcoming holiday season.
Be prepared and have conversations with the people that are important to you about your wishes so there aren’t any last-minute issues. Have a game plan and a party line to get you out of going to events you don’t want to go to.
The Botton Line When It Comes to Grief –
Grieving During The Holidays is HARD!
The holidays can be a particularly difficult time for those who are grieving. While they are a time of joy and celebration, they are also a time when loved ones are missing. It's important to take care of yourself during this time and to know you are not alone. With the right support, you can get through the holidays in one piece, even if they are challenging.
Get Support Through Support Groups or Grief Counseling in the San Francisco Bay Area
Make this holiday season what you want with what you have. If you’re feeling like you need extra support, reach out to a grief counselor. Or consider starting grief counseling or joining the Grieving During the Holidays support group at Bay Area Therapy for Wellness. Where you will give you support, skills, and education about grief and the holidays. Follow these steps to learn more
Reach out for a free consultation at Bay Area Therapy for Wellness
Learn more about our grief counseling and Grief During the Holidays support group
Make a plan to survive this holiday season.
Other Therapy Services Offered At Bay Area Therapy for Wellness in San Francisco, CA
At our San Francisco bay area-based therapy practice we specialize in providing mental health support for families, caregivers, and those living with chronic illness. Additionally, our online therapist offers treatment for depression and anxiety. All of these counseling services are available throughout California with online therapy.
